


A Struggle (But It'll Get Better)

by Umbra_Writes



Category: Smile For Me (Video Game)
Genre: Emails, Good End, Habit is trans, Head Injury, Headaches & Migraines, M/M, Nightmares, One sided at first, Self-Hatred, good ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-16 03:56:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20187511
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Umbra_Writes/pseuds/Umbra_Writes
Summary: Habit is struggling with the past, what he did. He wants to reconnect with the others, apologize, but he can't seem to get through to them.





	A Struggle (But It'll Get Better)

Habit rolled the crayon in his fingers, staring down at the drawing he had done. His mouth twisted into a slight frown. He moved the blue crayon over to his other hand, fidgeting with it. It was a drawing of Kamal, his assistant. Of course Kamal was very nice, Habit liked him a lot! Too much, Kamal gave him butterflies in his tummy. Habit didn’t like it very much, that feeling of fluttering in his stomach. It was weird, new, something he’d never felt it before. Habit put the drawing quickly into the drawer of his desk, he should be working, doing something productive but he couldn’t focus. Habit was completely distracted, over these past few months working with Kamal was making Habit feel weird. He wanted to hug Kamal, hold him close and just talk with him all day and do nothing else. Thinking of holding Kamal’s hand made Habit get giddy and unable to sit still. The door opened and Habit quickly sat up straight, Kamal walked in, looking over at Habit before he walked over. Habit listened to Kamal talk, as much as he was listening he certainly wasn’t paying attention to what he was saying. Kamal’s voice was so nice and pleasant, it made Habit’s heart beat faster. Habit nodded along when he seen Kamal’s face turn to a different expression. Soon enough Kamal left and Habit threw himself back into his chair grabbing at his chest as his cheeks were blushing deeply. He had no idea what he was feeling!! He hated it but these feelings made him so happy!! He spun around in his chair, stopping himself once he was back facing his desk, he grabbed a blank piece of paper grabbing out his crayons again from where he had hid them. Habit got back to drawing, a smile on his face as he drew Kamal again, putting hearts all around the page. He put the paper into his drawer which was already full of drawings Habit had done, most of them of Kamal or both of them. Habit couldn’t help it! Kamal was amazing! Even if Habit didn’t know what he was feeling he still knew Kamal was amazing, he was really smart! This entire place probably wouldn’t be able to run if Kamal wasn’t here. Habit looked down at his crayons, rolling the one he was holding between his fingers, he wanted to draw more but he also knew if he didn’t start getting work done Kamal wouldn’t be very happy with him. Habit put the crayons away, letting out a soft sigh he grabbed the pile of paperwork he had, trying to finally start on it. 

  
  


Habit stared at himself in the mirror, he’d just finished brushing his teeth. The more he stared at himself the more unsettled he got. Habit had never really thought much about his looks or his body, once he went to dental school he became Boris Habit but now he couldn’t stand looking at himself. He looked so tired, whenever he hoped his mouth you could see his too many teeth and it wasn’t like he looked that feminine or anything but he still didn’t like it. He opened his mouth, looking at all of his teeth, at the time he had thought it’d be a good idea. He had extra teeth to smile extra wide! But once he had slowly put himself back together he had learned that it wasn’t a good idea, it was creepy and everyone hated it. Habit wasn’t in the best mind set still, he was slowly getting better, he seen a therapist once a week and tried to work out his problems. Habit had even tried to reach out to all of the Habiticians but a lot of them hadn’t answered him. The only one he talked to regularly was Flower Kid and it was mostly through emails. They had gone out to get coffee once or twice but that was about it. “I am a relly bad person…” he whispered softly, he looked down at his chest. Just trying to look anywhere that wasn’t the mirror, “I hurt so many people…” He shut his eyes tightly, trying to calm down and push all of those thoughts out of his head but he just couldn’t. He never could. “Pleas stop…” he whimpered as he grabbed at his hair, as if that would stop all of his thoughts. As much as he begged, cried for them to stop it all flooded his head. Old memories popping up here and there didn’t help then his vision went black.

  
  


He slowly came too, he looked around groaning as he sat up. He was still in his bathroom but he was on the floor, his head was throbbing like crazy. He looked behind him, it seemed he had fallen backwards and hit his head on the wall. He looked down, there was no blood on the wall, other than having a massive headache he seemed to be okay. He got to his feet, his legs were shaky but he stood up. Ignoring the mirror he left the bathroom, going to his bedroom to change his clothes from the pajamas he was wearing. He didn’t have work today so he just put on something comfy, a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. He’d go water his flowers then watch some TV, it sounded like a fine day if not for the insane migraine Habit was having. He tried not to trip as he walked out to the kitchen to water the flowers that rested on the windowsill. Normally he’d smile and talk to them but he could barely see where he was going. He watered the three flowers before stumbling his way over to the couch, as soon as he turned on the TV he grabbed at his head, lowering the volume as fast as he could. Having the volume even on one was too loud so Habit just kept the TV muted. Letting whatever show play without audio. Habit laid down on the couch, his legs hanging over the edge. He was too tall. He hated it. Nobody liked how tall Habit was, often people wouldn’t even look at him. Sometimes he wished he could just chop his legs off and be shorter. Maybe then people wouldn’t be so afraid of him. He stared up at the ceiling, slowly zoning out. His mind went blank for a moment before it started to wander, thinking about himself at first then slowly shifting to other things. Flower Kid, the Habitat, Kamal. Habit’s eyes went wide, Kamal? Why Kamal? Why  _ now  _ more importantly. Habit grabbed at his head, whatever he was thinking was replaced by immeasurable pain. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to make it go away but it just wouldn’t. Why wouldn’t the pain just go away!?

  
  


Habit watched as Flower Kid left, his eyes fell closed as the elevator’s doors shut. He looked down at the lily in his hands and a soft smile spread across his face before tears welled in his eyes. He’d already shut Martha off. He looked back out at the Habitat, taking a shaky breath. He couldn’t believe himself, what he had done. He was going to rip all of those people’s teeth out, he ripped all of Flower Kid’s teeth out and yet they still said they wanted to be his friend. Go out for a coffee sometime. He didn’t deserve any friends. He didn’t deserve forgiveness. He was a monster, a villain. Yet that child had still wanted to be his friend. They were just doing it to be nice, prove that they were better than he was. Habit gripped the lily tightly in his hand before he looked down at it and still they had went through all this trouble just to grow a flower, for him. He covered his mouth to try and stop himself from sobbing but he couldn’t stop the tears. Habit fell to his knees, shaking violently as he broke out into a sob, Maybe the child actually cared about him, maybe there was someone who wanted to see him happy. Maybe everything didn’t need to be so sad.

  
  


His eyes slowly opened, he stared up at the ceiling before he looked over at the TV. His headache had died down, it didn’t hurt as much now but it was still there. He slowly sat up, rubbing the back of his head, there was a noticeable bump there but he ignored it. He looked around, it seemed to be about noon if Habit could guess correctly, but who even knew if he could. He slowly got to his feed, his mind wandering once again. He should eat something but he wasn’t hungry at all. He looked at the fridge, he could make something easy but he really didn’t want too. He remembered how Kamal would come in at lunch time and made him eat, same at supper. “I wish Kamal was here… :-(“ He mumbled quietly to himself before he walked back towards his bedroom, he was too tired. He’d just sleep this headache away instead of struggling through it. Habit fell onto his bed, pulling the blankets up over himself he shut his eyes. Habit didn’t like sleeping. It scared him honestly, falling unconscious and not knowing what's going on around you. It’s absolutely terrifying! Not to mention the nightmares, if Habit wasn’t having a nightmare then he never had a dream. He’d fall asleep then wake up some time later, that was scarier than the nightmares. He cuddled up into the blankets, it was warm. It felt nice, like a very loose hug. Habit really wanted a hug.

  
  


_ “Get away from me you monster!!”  _ “Kamal, I’m not a monster.” Kamal was shaking, pushed up against the window, his eyes wide with tears in them. Habit stood only a few feet away, why was Kamal so afraid of him? Habit lifted his head, looking at his reflection in the window. A shadowy, grinning figure with blood red eyes stared back at him. “N-no! Kamal I am not a monster!” Habit looked back down at the male, he was shaking as he slowly moved closer to the cowering figure. Habit took one step too close, the glass behind Kamal shattered and he fell back, screaming. Habit tried to reach out, catch the male but he couldn’t. Kamal fell, screaming, reaching out for help and Habit couldn’t catch him. He stared, watching as Kamal fell, he felt his heart drop. He screwed his eyes shut as fast as he could, he couldn’t watch. 

  
  


Habit bolted up from the bed, falling off he scrambled to his feet rushing to his computer. Habit was shaking as he frantically typed, his mind was whirling, body shaking. He could barely type but he didn’t care. He was so scared. Kamal, he was so worried about Kamal. He needed to make sure Kamal was okay.

  
  


_ Daer Kamal,  _

_ R U OK?! I am vrey wirrud abut u!!! U havnt reponded 2 my eamils n i had a very b a d drem wehre soemthnig happenud 2 u!! Pelas repond!!!!!! _

_ -B oris Haibt _

  
  


He sent the email, missing the send button quite a few times due to his shaking. He stood up, knocking over the chair as he paced. He was grabbing at his hair, pulling it over his shoulders, fiddling with the locks of curly hair. His breathing was heavy, tears welled in his eyes. He was so scared, Kamal had to be okay. “Kamal, respond.” He whispered repeatedly to himself. Habit paced for hours, checking his inbox every minute. He didn’t know what time it was, he barely registered where he was. All he knew was that he had to make sure Kamal was okay. He couldn’t think of anything else and by the time he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore it was almost three in the morning. Habit stopped pacing, he wobbled on his feet his eyes closed. “Kamal…” he whispered weakly, he forced his eyes open, checking his computer again. He sat back down, writing another email.

  
  


_ Dear Flowier Chlid, _

_ I m vury worriued abot Kamal! Culd u ples ge t in contact wiht him?!  _

_ -bOirs Habti  _

  
  


Habit face planted on the keyboard once the email was sent, completely blacked out. He couldn’t stay away anymore. His body shut down, his brain shutting off. 

  
  


When Habit woke up he was greeted with one new email, he clicked on it as fast as he could. His brain barely even registering what was happening. It was from the Flower Child.

  
  


_ Dear Boris, _

_ I talked to Kamal! He said he was fine!! :) If you have any more questions, feel free to ask!  _

_ P.S We should go get some more coffee sometime! Whenever our schedules line up! _

_ -F.K _

  
  


Habit let out a quiet sigh. Kamal was fine, that’s all that mattered. A small smile spread across his face as he sent the Flower Child a response. Once he sent it he stood up, it was morning. He couldn’t help his sigh, he had to get ready for work. Not that he was mentally prepared, he never really was, but he needed to go. Habit got ready, he got dressed, brushed his teeth, flossed and headed out. He didn’t look at himself in the mirror.

  
  


He walked into the small flower shop once he got it unlocked, he looked around turning the sign to open before he headed behind the counter. First he’d check the flowers in the back, feed them and give them water before finding the ones that could be put into pots. He put on his gardening gloves. He had gotten them custom made to suit his pointed and long fingers. This little flower shop didn’t get any customers, one customer in a day could be considered busy. Habit didn’t mind, he didn’t want to be seen today anyways. His hair was tied back, a sunhat was still on his head. He had worn it walking here so no one would really look at him, even though he was very tall it had seemed to work for the most part. He was humming quietly, not just to himself but to the flowers as well, he watered them, gave them some fertilizer then checked to see how they were doing. The bell on the top of the door rang and Habit sighed quietly, he stood up, taking his gloves and hat off quickly. He set them down before walking up to the front. “Helo! How can I help u 2day?” Habit had a smile on his face, it was small and friendly. Until he saw who it was, his eyes went wide and his heart raced increased.  _ Kamal.  _ Habit looked down at his hands, fidgeting with them. Kamal picked up a small potted flower, a little pot of red and pink tulips. He walked up to the counter, setting the pot down. It had a cute white bow tied around the pot, it had popped out to Kamal as soon as he had entered. He lifted his head looking up at Habit and as he did he froze, his breath hitching in his throat. The two just stared at each other for a moment before Habit rung the male up, “Six fify.” Habit said quietly, Kamal pulled out his wallet, struggling with it before he finally got the money out. “Th-Thank you, Dr. Habit.” he choked out, trying his best to not seem nervous. “U can call me Boris, I am not a dent-est any-more.” “O-Oh! Right! Sorry Boris!” Kamal gave a weak smile, rubbing the back of his head. He looked away, the last thing he expected was to run into his old boss. Of course Kamal knew Habit was still around but he didn’t know that he had moved here. Kamal picked up the potted tulips, “Thank you, Boris.” Kamal tried his best not to stutter or looked anxious. “I am sorry…” Habit suddenly whispered, Kamal’s eyes went wide and he looked up at him. “What?” “I am sorry. For every-thing I did 2 u.” Kamal didn’t know how to react. “Hab- Boris, it’s okay. That’s all in the past-” “No!” Habit was shaking lightly, his head down. “No Kamal. It is not OK! I was a horri-able person! I hurt u! I hurt a lot of people!” Kamal was speechless, Habit was crying. Kamal looked down, what could he even say? Habit was crying, he’d dealt with this before but this wasn’t like before. This was different, Kamal didn’t work for this man anymore, they were here as a customer and cashier. “B-Boris, It’s okay. It’s okay. Why don’t we go for um…” Kamal swallowed hard, this isn’t what he wanted to do. He had been sort of avoiding the male, not exactly, he just changed his email and his phone number. Mostly because when he was gone they had cut his landline. “Why don’t we go for a coffee sometime?” Habit lifted his head, looking at Kamal with wide eyes. “R-relly?” He asked and Kamal nodded, “Yeah, um, why not?” Habit looked so happy and Kamal couldn’t help his smile either. It wouldn’t be so bad, Flower Kid was friends with Habit, so why couldn’t he be Habit’s friend as well? 

  
  


Habit had gotten to the cafe an hour early. He was pacing outside, fiddling with the sleeves on his jacket. When he seen Kamal walking towards him, he stood up straight. “Helo Kamal!” Habit greeted and Kamal tensed up “H-Hi Boris!” Habit opened the door for Kamal, letting the male go inside first. Habit followed after, Kamal ordered for both of them, Habit telling Kamal what he wanted after a bit of a struggle. They sat down once they got their drinks. The two sat in silence for a bit, both nervous and unsure of what to say. “How is ur job?” Kamal jumped in his seat, he looked up at Habit and gave a weak laugh. “It’s uh, it’s good! Not the best but it pays okay. What about yours?” Kamal could see Habit sit up a bit straighter “Yes! My job! It is OK! Not gre-ate pay but very quiet.” Kamal nodded “That sounds nice. Do you enjoy it?” Habit nodded, he took a sip of his latte, “Yes, I find it very nice! Do u en-joy ur job?” Habit tilted his head to the side slightly and Kamal shrugged, “It’s just an office job, not much enjoyment.” Habit made a quiet noise, Kamal couldn’t exactly place what sort of noise it was. “I’m just glad I get a decent pay!” He gave a nervous laugh, “Though you paid way better.” it was just a side comment but Kamal regretted it immediately. Habit was looking down, he set his cup down before he gave a soft chuckle. “I do-not think most people would pay as much as I did.” he smiled at Kamal who flushed deeply, Habit was blushing himself. He was so excited to be with Kamal, knowing the male was okay. He had butterflies in his tummy and his chest was tight. “Would you like something to eat? I didn’t ask earlier because I completely forgot.” “No! I am OK!” Kamal took a sip of his coffee, this felt weird. He didn’t know why this felt so weird. Maybe because it was his ex-boss or maybe it was because this was the man who was going to rip a bunch of people’s teeth out. Kamal shook his head, he shouldn’t be thinking about that. Habit was better now, or at least changed. The Flower Kid had told him that Habit was going to therapy so that was good. “So, Boris. You’re doing good?” Kamal hoped that Habit understood what he meant, Habit gave a small nod, avoiding eye contact with Kamal for a moment. “Yes, I am doing fair-ly well.” Kamal didn’t believe him, he could tell Habit was doing better but the way he looked away made Kamal feel like he wasn’t doing that well. “Boris would you like to, um, hang out some more? I have work on weekdays but I’m usually free to do stuff on the weekends.” Kamal offered, as much as he didn’t want to spend more time with Habit, he felt bad. Habit perked up again, getting excited, he shifted in his chair, fiddling with his cup. “Yes! I would love 2!!” Kamal gave a soft laugh, he could feel butterflies in his stomach as he smiled. “That sounds like a plan.”.

**Author's Note:**

> I am TRASH at summaries and tagging.  
Thank you for reading!!!!  
It means the world to me!!


End file.
